Christian Louboutin Fall 2012; a lighthearted assessment.

As much time as I spend online, I'm clueless as to where the sites that observe trends and collection previews rest. Luckily, my client was kind enough to forward me these two links which housed great pictures of Christian Louboutin's upcoming Fall collection. Now I'm no fashion journalist, but I am snarky. And what other way would you like to know about fashion than in a satirical way? If these were my shoes, they'd all be cruelty-free. But they're not, so I still feel warranted to judge. In a nutshell, I'm not impressed.

I actually like this bootie. The blue leather isn't loud, the overall design is wearable, and the zipper detailing adds a nice design element to an otherwise ordinary bootie.

Seriously, who is going to wear these and not feel like an asshole? Brings a new meaning to business in the front, party in the back. But this party needs to be shut down immediately.

Something about these seem off to me. I feel a more substantial platform is necessary, or some sort of shoestring front. I'm not feeling the contrasting insole, either.

Have you ever tried on a Louboutin bootie? Well don't, because it's the most fucking uncomfortable shoe you'll every wear. Maybe, just maybe, if you bind your feet it'll work. I'm digging the buckle closure, though. But I think the rest of the shoe lacks style.

Ughh, these are fugger than fug. Horrible design, horrible material, horrible everything. I can already picture some annoying indie blogger wearing these with denim minishorts(ripped, of course) and an oversized top, standing nonchalant in god knows where. But she's indie, so anything she does is cool.

These could have worked for me if they had a thinner, Fifi-esque heel and lost the buckle in the back. And, if they were peeptoe. I realize that'd make it a completely different shoe, but isn't that the point?

Brown and gold don't match, in my opinion. And the heel height is much too low. These are a miss for me.

I'm really liking this modified Fifi, at what looks to be a 110mm heel height. What I'm not feeling is the calfhair. I don't understand calfhair. It's like suede; doesn't it get dirty?

Great concept, poor execution. And only because from far away it'll look like your child drew on your Daf bootie.

Don't ask me to recreate this, because I'm not going to. This requires labor and planning, so I commend the brand on that. I would have liked to see the triangle crystals continue all the way down, though. It does kind of inspire me.

Steve Madden, is that you? Seriously Louboutin, what is this shit? I cna't htink of a more disgusting shade of beige. And paired with that stacked heel? Honey...

This style, sans the fur, is one of my favorite silhouettes. I would love to see it strassed. What's disconcerting, though, is the use of fur. Why are animals skinned for shit like this? You Europeans really bother me sometimes. Not everything is at your disposal.

What? Moccasin meets fish scales meets kid's craft project? Hate it.

Why recreate a style that was so synonymous with Prada from a few seasons back? The flatform wasn't cute then and it's still not cute. That's the first thing I thought when I saw these. It makes a luxury brand like Louboutin look too impressionable. This shoe is a mess. Scratch that, a damn mess.

Yet again another example of the brand mixing too many textures into one shoe. I'm a huge fan of PVC, but it wasn't used correctly. And what's with the snakeskin? It looks dirty most of the time. The spikes in the front aren't sharp enough either. I would have done black patent on the heel, and a Pigalili-esque design on the toecap.

I'm so loving this shoe, but that 90 degree angle on the side bothers the crap out of me. They should have used the upper of the Lady Claude with the heel of a the Elisabeth. The tweed is limiting too. I know it's Fall, but you're taking it a little too literally.

They've successfully utilized four colors that go horribly together and combined them on one hideous boot.

I'm not sure what exactly influenced the brand's aesthetic for the Fall collection. The only thing I'm sure of is whatever intern was ordered to photograph the collection should have never been allowed to. You're in the fashion industry, and you still don't know how to get a good shot?

I'm dying over those Daf booties! Very Versace. I can already envision CL doing a Maggie version of the Daf.

Love the matching spikes! Too bad the Pigalle isn't made for a human foot.

Still loving, but is anyone else getting a McQueen vibe?

In this light, even more of a no.

Really don't like.

What the fuck? And you know what's funny, people still buy these.

I'm sure Christian has some titillating story about how these portray a certain decade in Paris that emphasized art, and the masquerade, and the general Parisian Parisianness. Bottom line, these are horrible.

Crystals were added to the heel, because there wasn't enough shit already going on.

Did this even look good on the drawing boards?

I would wear the left pair. The middle pair, only to a Christmas party. The right pair, a gag gift?

Men in Europe will buy these and actually wear them, which is frightening. And I thought gay men had good taste.

Something about these look very cheap to me. I think it's because the patent looks like vinyl, and the chain evokes the liking of a counterfeit handbag.

Nice concept, but why suede? It gets so dirty!

Hmmm, don't know how I feel about these. The gold with the leopard is tacky, though.

The left shoe is fugly, while the right shoe is something I'd like to recreate for myself in silver.

Must there always be so many design elements going into one shoe?

I would wear these, but I'm sure they'd cut off circulation to my feet.

These look homemade, don't they. "Mom, were you using that dining room curtain?"

Kind of digging the stitching. Although, it does look a little bird-like.

Don't hate, don't love.

Pass on all three. They all look like Calvin Klein boots you'd buy at Macy's.